


First and Last

by FlawlessIvory101



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 07:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6109120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlawlessIvory101/pseuds/FlawlessIvory101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The difference in emotions and thoughts can surprisingly change throughout the years. </p>
<p>"Why couldn't you be in love with me?"<br/>"Why had I wanted anything further than friendship with him?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	First and Last

**January 27, 2004**

_"Takahiro..."_

Why? That was the only question that was managing to coherently echo throughout Hiroki's jumbled brain while he stood underneath the scalding water of his shower, yet still shivering with his blood cold beneath his skin. Heat pricked behind his closed eyes, his hands curled into fists beside his thighs so tight that he could feel the stinging bite of nails in his palms. There were a lot of things that could be connected to that simple word that was whirling around his brain, but the most obvious one was standing out to Hiroki in big, prominent, black letters behind his eyelids.

_**Why couldn't you be in love with me?** _

Hiroki swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat that wouldn't sink back down even though tears were beginning to mix in with the water cascading down his face. It really isn't fair, Hiroki reasoned with himself the millionth time in the past two years since Takahiro has been around. Hiroki had been best friends with Akihiko since they were ten, and they had been through so much together, but apparently kind words from a stranger was what Akihiko wanted. Hiroki had read everything Akihiko has written, fell in love with every word scribbled on notebook sheets, but Akihiko fell in love with a boy who noticed his scrawled writing on a desk. Then, just like that Hiroki had been traded in every way.

Even though he had grown up with Akihiko, knew every one of his secrets, and cared for him more than any other person had cared for him before, he was still tossed away for someone who said his writing was 'pretty good'. His writing was wonderful, pieced together beautifully, and spoke to the reader more clearly than anything else Hiroki had ever read. It wasn't just pretty good, that was something his father would say to compliment his writing, and why Akihiko found that comment so heart-touching was beyond him. Takahiro should be a nobody compared to Hiroki, but he knows that's just his selfishness talking. Not only his selfishness, but his heartache.

_'Takahiro...'_

More tears slipped past his clenched eyelids, and Hiroki choked on a sob that was crawling angrily up his throat. He loves Akihiko more than anyone else in the world, but Akihiko hasn't ever noticed because he's so blinded by his precious Takahiro. Even tonight, with Hiroki riding him and trying to communicate his feelings as much as physical touching would allow, Akihiko still couldn't see passed his Takahiro Barrier and called out to him. Not to the person standing in front of him with a loving smile, but to the person who sees Akihiko nothing more than a pretty good author and a friend. Why couldn't Akihiko figure it out? Why couldn't he just walk away from the heartbreak he was facing with Takahiro and turn to Hiroki instead so they could both be _happy?_ Right now, for both of them, all falling in love was doing for them was proving how much of a mistake it was. It was right; falling in love has been Hiroki's greatest mistake.

He knew this very well, it was written out clearly in front of him, but he still couldn't fix his mistake. It seemed unfixable, just something that he was going to have to live for with the rest of his life, because if it wasn't, why hadn't his feelings for Akihiko stopped years ago? Takahiro only stood out as an obtrusive reason for him to give up and make another love-filled mistake somewhere else. However, no one compared to Akihiko no matter how hard Hiroki tried to forget his feelings for the man. He had enough loveless relationships to prove it, and enough one night stands to prove his loneliness. 'Akihiko could be added to the one night stand list now', and at the thought, Hiroki let the struggling sob to escape.

It _hurt._ Why did love hurt? From the stories that his parents always told them, after seeing happy couples skipping around everywhere, love shouldn't ever hurt this much. How can you be in love with someone who just hurts you by not loving you back? Hiroki slumped forward with another rough sob, his back hitting the shower wall as the warm water steaming up the water started to ice itself down. It caused him to tremble, hand shivering over his mouth, but he made no move to exit to frigid liquid. It was easier to cry in the shower because he wasn't able to hear himself as well under the hiss of the water, and it was harder to feel the throb in his heart because the extreme temperatures surrounding his body ached his skin.

Sleeping with Akihiko was a mistake for too many reasons. Akihiko had, in a way, defiled his pure feelings towards Takahiro by thinking of him in such a situation. He had also marred his friendship with Hiroki because they're friendship wasn't about having sex with each other because they were hurting, it had always been about being there for each other innocently. They made everything complicated and it was going to take Hiroki ages to be able to look Akihiko in the eyes again because this guilt was never going to go away. Having sex with Akihiko hadn't helped anything for his case either, at all. In fact, it only made him hurt more because even while they're joined so intimately like that, Akihiko didn't see him behind that blindfold.

Although he knew that Akihiko never loved him, the fact was only just beginning to settle inside of him. The realization showed with each tear that dripped down his cheek, in the shameful flush on his cheeks, and every dull throb his heart felt with each beat. It was over now. Akihiko didn't love him, having sex with him didn't help prove his feelings, and that just showed it was time to move on. He needed to really try and move on this time, instead of having drunk nights with strangers in order to fill the hole in his heart. He needed _someone_ who would love him with their whole heart and make him happy that he didn't end up with Akihiko. That, however, was easier said than done.

**-Page Break-**

**January 27, 2015**

_'Hiro-san...'_

Why? That was the only question Hiroki could ask himself as he stared at the picture in his hand. It was a picture that his mother had just sent him with a note written in her neat kanji on the back of it. He looked over the features of both him and Akihiko from when they were younger, their hands both clasped together innocently between them, looking obediently at the camera his mother had been holding with some kind of zoo animal behind them. They both seemed so happy in the picture, and Hiroki was actually surprised that he didn't see a blush staining his cheeks due to the fact that they were holding hands. His best guess was this was taken before he developed a crush on his friend, and that would explain why he was able to smile to freely and hold hands at the same time. There was nothing else he had desired from Akihiko at the time; just friendship.

**Why had I wanted anything further than friendship from him?**

Hiroki looked at his and Akihiko's joined hands again, a bitter smile settling across his lips for a split second as anger towards himself rose up in his chest. What he had with Akihiko before his crush on him messed everything up was perfect, and he's not sure why he hadn't been able to see that back then while he was suffering. Upon realizing that, he would have been able to get over the stupid crush and it everything wouldn't have escalated the way it had. He would have been able to tease Akihiko about his crush on Takahiro instead of making spiteful comments about it while wishing that Akihiko liked him instead. It would have all been so much easier.

He would have been able to meet Nowaki and fall in love with him happily instead of the strange way he had. He wouldn't have had a jaded view on love, and would have accepted Nowaki's feelings with an open heart at first, just like he wished he had now. He wouldn't have been confused by his feelings for Nowaki while still trying to get over the slight falling out that he and Akihiko had after sleeping together. None of that would have taken place, and he wouldn't have such sullen memories if it had happened the way he wishes now. He's sure Akihiko would have a lot less regrets as well.

_'Hiro-san...'_

Hiroki sighed, setting the picture down on the television stand in front of him, turning around to make his way into the kitchen where he could smell whatever Nowaki was cooking. He would be sure to stuff the picture in one of his books in his library like the others so he could surprise himself by coming across it one day. They were always nice reminders of his friendship with Akihiko before everything started to fall apart for him with the crush. Seeing them also always made him appreciate Nowaki just a bit more.

"Ah, Hiro-san, dinner will be ready in just a few minutes," Nowaki said with a small smile upon seeing Hiroki enter the kitchen. Hiroki only nodded, walking closer to the taller man so he could rest his head on Nowaki's right shoulder, watching closely as the man cooked. He wasn't typically one to initiate any kind of affectionate touching, but Nowaki had a hard week at work, and he was also feeling really thankful for his lover at the moment.

"Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked when he felt Hiroki stand so close to him with his head on his shoulder. The action wasn't too rare, and Hiroki seemed to do this every once a month, but it still surprised Nowaki when it happened. "Are you feeling alright? Or, are you sleepy?"

Hiroki looked up, gazing into those _blueblueblue_ eyes staring back down at him, and for a split second he lost his train of thought, which happened every time he got a good look at Nowaki's eyes. They were so pretty, and gentle looking which matched Nowaki's personality perfectly. In fact, one of the first things he noticed about Nowaki when he met him, besides his hands, were his eyes. He fell in love with their unique shade, and they still make him believe that one of his parents were American due to how strange it was to inherit blue eyes if you have two Japanese parents. "I'm fine... I just want to be close to you right now," he mumbled, hiding his face in the crook of Nowaki's neck when he felt his cheeks warm.

Nowaki stilled with shock for a second, but smiled gleefully just as quickly before pressing a tender kiss to the top of Hiroki's hair. "After dinner we can go to bed then, Hiro-san," he said softly, not wanting to break whatever spell that was making Hiroki act so affectionate, and speak comfortably with him like this. It was nice, and it only happened every once in a while, so Nowaki always cherished the moments when they did happen.

Hiroki knew exactly what Nowaki meant by going to bed after dinner, and nodded again, because that was what he wanted right now. He wanted to connect with Nowaki right now, and the need for it was blooming further in his chest with every passing tick of the clock because it had been far too long since they've been able to make love. "I love you," he whispered shyly into Nowaki's neck, his lips ghosting against the skin right below Nowaki's ear. He felt Nowaki shiver slightly against him, and Hiroki held back a smile at that.

"I love you, too," Nowaki replied, and suddenly Hiroki was being twisted around in his strong arms until Nowaki could bend down so their lips would press together. Hiroki hummed quietly, eyes falling shut instantly, melting into the kiss, pressing his body against Nowaki's warmer one. Their noses bumped as Hiroki raised his arms to wrap them around Nowaki's neck, and he choked back the giddy giggle that was bouncing up his throat from it.

'I know,' Hiroki thought to himself when he felt Nowaki's large hands grasp his hips, dragging him even close until he wished their clothes were off so he could feel skin-on-skin. 'I know you love me. And, thank you for loving me so much that I'm overjoyed that Akihiko and I never happened. Thank you so much, Nowaki.'

"Hiro-san..." 


End file.
